Author Archives: kelleynnn

Steering the Craft exercise 2

picture like a nest kind of like a nest but it looks like a lava flow or like a city with freeways coming and going it is glowing some kind of green or vibraating chartruse some kind of ugly vomit color which glows and vibrates there in a puddle right on top of my low back right on the skin where i would have a tramp stamp if i was a real girl but i’m old now and i have this icky glowing slime mold laying in a network of strings and beads flowing from just under my skin on the low back as if i’d been flayed i feel raw as it is with the slime mold eating into my spine and into the delicate little facets the way it did my entire left hip already and outward from there if the hyphae of the mold are any indication with the little glowing bright beads of electrical pinching and biting and zizzling running along the nerves in every direction from my arms up to my shoulders and down along my hips and ultimately to my foot specifically the ball of my foot and the tender spot that runs through from just under it to the top and back up along the nerve on the inside of my right calf to my right inner thigh the one that is supposed to be the good one but is the compensating side and is now the one falling apart which is what i wonder is actually happening when the pain jumps the circult and just buzzes through my entire body for instance my jaw which is constsantly exhausted from clenching and my shoulders which have to support my head on top of a crooked spine and have the knots on either side of the base of my neck to show for it

edit: not sure i did this correctly


Images running through my head

CW: violence

The last thing she expected to see on the road this time of night was a breakdown. Most people who drove this road knew it well, and made double sure their cars could handle it. The stories of breaking down on this road, and being stuck for hours (or even days, in some of the more embellished versions), were staple little kid scares in this part of the state.

They probably needed her help.

She slowed as she approached, and called out the window.

“Hey, do you need some help? I’m headed into town, I can make a call for you as soon as I’m in range.”

“OH, thank god you’re here! I’ve almost got it, here help me!”

It’s a woman. Oh honey, thank goodness I found you!”

She nearly stopped in the middle of the road, and ran over to hug the big, strong woman with the jolly smile with one hand under her hood. Maybe she needs my tiny fingers, she thought. I used to help my husband with these kinds of things.

“What’s giving you trouble there? Something I can hold for you?”

“YEah, if you could just push up on this while I grab the wire…”

“Sure, where at?” She traced the woman’s arm down to her fingers, but they were just resting on the engine block. Confusion washed over her for a second until she realized she was looking for a wire, and not finding it.

The big woman grabbed the back of her head fast and hard. She bent her over and tried to slam her forehead into the guts of the car.

“Now you listen to me you goddamn fuckin’ bitch you do exactly as I say or I’m gonna kick your fuckin’ ass do you understand me bitch?”

She froze.

The big woman groped her up and down, reaching in her pockets and under her jacket. A wave of nausea and panic tried to pull her under, as she accepted the truth of what was happening. She was the next horror story on @@road, nothing she could do about it, nothing she could have done about it. It was just what happenens to you, what she deserved, because she was one of the poor worthless idiots who had to live out in the middle of nowhere and drive that road.

The big woman found $40 in her front pocket and turned it over and over, looking at it and laughing. As she gently, timidly righted herself, she noticed for the first time the woman’s loud, ill fitting thrift store clothing; her threatening posture; the rust and missing license plate on her car; the tire iron laying on the ground near the front of the car. She missed them because she wanted so badly to help. She wanted to believe someone needed her, that she could make a difference.

“Leave,” a calm, resonant voice inside her head told her. “Go while you can, while she’s not looking.”

Consciously willing her body to thaw, she let her weight shift in the direction of her own car. God, how it stung to just run away in fear and shame. But it was the right choice. Now, before she remembers I might have a purse.

“Lemme tell you something, you fuckin’ bitch. If you tell anybody about this I”m gonna come find you, and I’m gonna shove my knife all the way up your goddamn pussy. I’m gonna smack you against the wall so hard you’ore gonna bleed. Understand me, bitch?”

Silently, she started toward her car.

“Do you understand me, you fuckin’ bitch??”

What if the woman had her license plate number?

“Yes,” she quietly squeaked.

“You’d better.”

The big woman, turned to the side, and still admiring the bills, was smirking.

She felt, for a moment, that she had slipped into some ghostly realm that exists alongside this one, where everything is black and nothing is real. Time seemed to stop. The sound of the wind howling was distant, echoing. Her vision shrank to a tiny dot in the distance, and the smirking skank of a woman in the dot.

When she came back she watched the head of the tire iron cut across her vision, as if in slow motion, and clip the back of the big woman’s head. A streak of blood spurted into the outdated brassy curls.


Her heart jumped into her throat as the woman whipped around. She was about to get grabbed again.

The big, stupid bruiser landed an almost solid punch as the tire iron smacked into her temple. She cried.

“Please, please don’t hurt me! I’m sorry! Please help me I’m so sorry!”

I just learned what I get for helping.

Another hard blow to the shoulder, and the big ox went down. It wasn’t enough. She wanted to make sure that she wouldn’t have any more trouble. A couple down the legs, as hard as she could hit. She hoped it would be hard enough. She felt weak. If only she could break the bitch entirely in half with one blow.

Her two $20 bills were laying on the ground, smeared in dust. The woman had nothing else, except a fake drivers license and a greasy dollar store lipstick.

How beautiful the unobstructed roadway was this evening.

IF this was the only way open to her to make a difference, so be it.

Brain dump for a hypnosis script

I would now like you to tjink of something that frightens you. Perhaps you have a fear of something in your environment, such as spiders. Or perhaps it is an activity that you must perform,such as driving across a bridge. If you can’t think of anything right away, maybe there is a movie or a viral story that frightened you. There is no need to picture it vividly. Just let the image of it in your mind be blurry and muffled for now.

Notice how you feel. Move up and down your body, and note any tightness in your muscles caused by the fear. Be aware of it and honor it for a moment, and move on. Notice any labored breathing, dry mouth, or dizziness. Perhaps your vision is blurry, or my voice might seem to be coming from far away. Take a moment to be with these feelings now, and know that although they are unpleasant, you can accept them, and you can continue on in spite of them, aias.

Now i would like you to take the same image, [actually goes before] and imagine it on a movie screen. I would like you to imagine you are standing in a vast and beautiful desert. [describe] in the distance is a movie screen. On the screen, in black and white, is the image of the thing you fear. Just glance at it and look away. Look back at the [beautiful stuff] and let the uncomfortable sensations pass. Congratulate yourself for your willingness…and for the progress you have just made aias. Good.

Now imagine that you take a step in the direction of the screen…now walk boldly toward the screen…

I would now like you to think of something you used to be afraid of, but aren’t anymore. Maybe ypu had a childhood fear that you outgrew, or…how do you feel about this thing now? Do you find it fascinating? Boring? Does it fondly remind you of who you were at a different time in your life? Take a moment to appreciate this fear that you have conquered aias good.

Now think of a legitimate fear that you have. Maybe you know a bully, or someone who misuses their authority over you. Maybe you have to drive along a dangerous stretch of freeway, or you could be at risk for a lawsuit. There is some area of ypur life where your fear is a healthy response, and it works to protect uou. It sharpens your senses, and helps you focus on the problem. Take a moment to congratulate yourself for facing up to this difficulty in your life, and to express gratitude for your fear in keeping you mentally healthy and safe, aias.

Because you know you are a brave, powerful person of substance who moves forward with a clear mind and an iron will. You will not be intimidated. Petty obstacles, threats, and uncertainties do not deter you.

I once knew a little girl who was afraid of the lion on the tv. Every time it came on, she would run and cry to her mother. One day she decided she wanted to be a big girl, so when the lion came on, she stayed and watched it. What a brave little girl! Today lions are her favorite animal. She likes to go to Africa and shoot pictures of lions, for the tv. It is fascinating when what you feared becomes your friend, don’t you think?

Character notes for two book length works

The line numbers and semi-poetic feel are because I was writing in Vim. I didn’t realize when I switched between the two works.
244 if the heroine is the “swamp creature”,
245 there is also a “dinosaur”, an old coder
246 one who was instrumental in developing the framework
247 that the virtual worlds run on, one of the first generation
248 it’s the second generation now that is riding on his coattails
249 and trying to force him out, now he’s (unfairly) like Melvin
250 (in his social role, not in his real personality)
251 when he “burns the place down” it’s to put the system on lockdown,
252 or some other desperation move to get some respect
253 that ultimately benefits the heroine (they never knowingly meet)
254 the “kids” harass him by cramping up his office with partitions,
255 so that he has to walk a maze to get in and out
256 finally they miscalculate and close him off completely
257 (taken with heroine’s, metaphor for “they put you in a box”)
258 that is another forced breaking point,
259 parallelling the swamp monster traansformation–
260 it’s not just that he’s had enough,
261 it’s that he literally can’t do anything else
262 except interact with his “terminal” or lay down and rot,
263 which will be his only choice when they cut it off next
264 how did he get here? he has been an “individual contributor”
265 who believes people do best when left to lead themselves
266 (and as far as it goes, he’s right)
267 he is deeply principled about this (and other things),
268 and he finds the point where the principle breaks down
269 and other ones need to be invoked
270 his loyalty to principles, patience, etc
271 make him look weak to the above-the-law 2nd generation
272 his appearance is not necessarily bearded old emacs user,
273 but the equivalent of that when you don’t age, etc
274 like he never bothered to tweak it after uploading
275 (except maybe for convenience, an extra finger or something)
277 her love interest and character arc:
278 she has to learn to be a leader, she is being walked on
279 by everyone from the evil bad guy boss to the squirrels
280 it starts to click when she asks the squirrels
281 who uplifted them, and tries to trace the problem back to roots
282 (the young squirrels, 2nd gen & after, don’t know
283 (squirrels 2-3 gens a year in warm climates?)
284 they have to dig up one of the old timers
285 then come get her later, s/he leads heroine
286 on a parkour course to find the geek kids in the bedroom
287 heroine’s name should be “anne” or something
288 that sounds like a squirrel call
289 the squirrlels are hard to understand, bc of their poor uplift)
290 (when she confronts teh geek kids, she expects dudebros,
291 is all ready to give them a piece of her mind,
292 but then she sees two scared little black girls
293 they want a career in uplift science with all their hearts,
294 but went through the proper channels–
295 applied to programs at —
296 but were shut out because of
297 (they “failed” an unofficial prior step
298 because they had no money, for ex)
299 and they have actually worked a miracle with skimpy/stolen gear
300 she helps them get proper sponsorship–her first true leadership
301 calls in an old favor, like should have happened in an office
302 goons at have been abusive toward them of course)
303 the love interest is a benevolent social engineer
304 who is using his charisma and leadership abilities
305 (think eddie murphy, socially flirtatious, but with real substance)
306 to try to influence the culture at the company for the better
307 she doesn’t understaand his “entertaining” manner
308 she thinks he is a pua, or some type of borderline harasser
309 (deepen the confusion by introducing a real harasser,
310 maybe bad guy boss himself, or a quisling or confused animal)
311 after she transforms, and looks at him
312 through the eyes of a leadaer, she sees their connection
314 needed: more animals throughout the company, and broadly
315 (Do I have more on this already?)
316 heroine’s sidekick: a gray parrot (unfortunately named Paulie)
317 talking dogs, tons of em, armies–topic of controversy, conspiracy
318 a trickster and general PITA, maybe monkey or raccoon, good bad or neutral
319 (maybe teases her about “bestiality”, shows her
320 the dream of the fisherman’s wife,
321 she insists “will never happen” buts he’s really talking
322 about the human love interest)
323 an artist, possibly well loved/icon–make vulnerable
324 a quisling/Cypher, the bad guy boss’ goon
325 (this also happened in paul verhoeven with arnie on mars)

Random practice

How to be tired, how difficult it is to not fight it

She made it halfway to the kitchen this time, before the ache stopped her. The air smelled too fresh. The breeze against her face was too bracing, even in the closed up house. The incongruence. The strange silence-she actually heard a clock ticking, that she hadn’t noticed before, which made the dead 3am darkness and

The screen flashed even more intensely in the darkness and quiet, with nothing to take its place in her mind’s eye. Curves were everywhere; especially the bannister seemed to have a square black handle hanging off in space next to each coil.

“Make them go away,” she ordered herself.

She focused hard on the butterscotch texture of the wood, only for the black control points and handles to pop out again the moment she relaxed.

So close. She was getting so close.

“It’s only 2:30. Tomorrow’s not a work morning, and if I’m in bed by 3:15 I’ll be okay.” …

there is a vicious cycle, the more tired you are the more elusive, and frustrating, it becomes to nail the task. (and the worse your results.) Hence the more driven you become, and the more you wear yourself out.

  • Using photoshop, blender
  • Tapping a rhythm
  • Remembering a complex passwd
  • Counting money
  • Preparing a tps report
  • Anything while exhausted
  • Anything for the first time
  • Shooting at a target
  • Gathering all info on a topic
  • Threading through a hole
  • Anything with tweezers
  • Any sport of form
  • Closing a stubborn door
  • Correct pronunciation (st:tng)
  • Having sex
  • Coding
  • Looking cool
  • Playing skill/video games
  • Remembering the way when lost
  • Factory/piecework

Brain dump for a hypnosis induction

Imagine yourself in the center of a giant flower. The flower has long white petals and an orange yellow center. The center is like a giant pillow, and you are lying on top of it. You are alone. You can see, in all directions, many flowers, but none are occupied.

The center is, in turn, made up of what seems to be many small pillows. They, and you, are covered with soft, crumbly bright orange pollen. A little bit of it gets in your mouth. It tastes like cheesecake. You crumble a little bit of it between your fingers.

You can hear the wind blow softly across the valley. There are also the calls of some birds high up in the sky. As you lie completely still, in the warm sun, insects buzz, although you cannot see them.

The breeze gently shakes your flower, and your body sways back and forth gently along with it. Feel your body sway back and forth along with it now. Feel your weight shift to the right…

You recline onto your back, and stare up onto the sky. It is a deep, brilliant, almost lapis blue, with a few wispy clouds and sunbeams dancing through it like veins and streaks of pyrite. A cloud blows slowly by you. In it, you see the image of a recent time when…

You make your way to the edge of the center, and look down between the petals. Below you is emerald green grass that sparkles with crystalline dewdrops, and furry green flower leaves. Some shafts of sunlight penetrate between the flowers, and they make the blades of grass seem to glow. The grass comes about halfway up the flower stalks. The blades are just thick enough that you can barely see the surface.

Along the surface, and up and sown the grass blades and flower stalks, run round, polka dotted ladybugs. There are some on nearly every color of the pastel rainbow. There are pink ones with yellow dots, and yellow ones with green dots, and green ones with blue dots. They twiddle up and down the stalks and blades, twiddling their antennae, bumping into each other.

On the underside of one of the petals on the next flower over is a whimsical snail. He is headed for the calyx, and soon he will head down the stem of the flower towards the ground. It is ten times the length of his body from the calyx to the point where he disappears into the grass. Watch, now…

Take all the time you need to go all the way and relax to the very core. Go all the way to the center, as layers yield to reveal layers underneath, until there are no more and there is only the one, the you, that is at the center of it all and there is perfect, unconstrained relaxation and peace.